I would consider myself a serial quitter. When I was younger, I quit immediately if I wasn’t good at something. Bad at it? Quit. Setback? Quit. Inconvenience? Quit. In contrast, I have stayed in many places, friendships, relationships, and jobs for far too long as an adult.
So- how does one know when it’s time to quit?
These are the questions I’ve been asking myself over the last year as I choose the spaces I should and shouldn’t stay in. *Attached is a sheet you can print or copy into a journal as you answer these questions for yourself here.*
1. Am I being listened to/appreciated? Is my energy being reciprocated?
~> I recently ended a long-term friendship after asking myself this question. After I returned to the U.S., a friend was suddenly hitting me up to talk about all their problems. I acted as a good friend would-I listened, gave them advice, and did my best to help them.
Looking back, I can now see that our friendship was centered around them and what they needed. I felt that I was not given airtime to talk about anything I was dealing with in return. When I had something to say, it had to be forcefully interjected. Which I realized, is not how a conversation should flow between friends. It’s not too much to ask that when someone asks, “How are you?”, they should reciprocate at some point in the conversation (or within the year).
It’s painful to let someone you once called a friend go. However it’s much harder to feel unheard and unimportant in a friendship. It’s important to have a conversation with this kind of person in your life first. However, it’s even more important that they follow up through their actions.
Unfortunately, my now-former friendship was too toxic to continue, and I have explained this to them. I hope they find peace, but I will continue to choose what’s best for me.
2. Is this negatively affecting my physical and/or mental health?
~> I am no stranger to getting and quitting jobs. I stayed in a 3 A.M.-start, stressful, abusive job for two years because it helped me get my Associate’s degree. When my big boss said over the radio, “Someone find a weapon and shoot me with it,” I knew I needed to get out. I hit rock bottom mentally before the COVID lockdown and drew the line in April 2020 when no social distancing measures or any sort of protections were in place. So for the sake of my physical and mental health, I left.
Jobs are all about trading your time for money, but your health should never be something you sacrifice. A company will replace you in the blink of an eye, so you must look out for yourself first.
3. Does this feel fulfilling for me? Is this a good investment of my time and energy?
~> Don’t forget: only you get to decide where you invest your time and energy. Often, we let others decide what we should focus on and put our energy into, only to end up feeling unhappy and trapped.
An example of this is the pressure we felt growing up to get good grades in school, go to a good college, have a stable, corporate job, buy a house, and have a family. That cookie-cutter expectation is a universal one, but more often than not, life doesn’t work like that, and we feel frustrated with ourselves for “falling behind.” We have to step back and ask ourselves; “Is this what I want for my life?” instead of ending up at a destination and realizing it was never what we wanted in the first place.
Last week, I stepped away from a project I’ve been a part of since its creation–something I was extremely passionate about. I had been part of the cosplay community for a while, and I wanted to be a bigger part of it by creating a safe, inclusive space for friendly craftsmanship competition. This came about because, through my own previous experience, I found many cosplay competitions were both unkind and disorganized. I believe I succeeded in my goal.
After a few years, I moved up and left my position as my passion for it had waned, and others with more excitement for the project took over. Although I worked my way up the ranks, I felt increasingly unfulfilled. Also, other areas of my life continued to call for more of my time. Sometimes it was for my wish to travel abroad, sometimes it was for the care of sick family members, and sometimes it was just because I felt it wasn’t worth my time and energy. There were times when I had one foot already out the door, frozen in indecision. However, recently I finally took that leap and closed that door. I am now moving into a new era of investing in myself and my loved ones.
While all of these options are beautiful pieces of my life, the most important things to me felt far more fulfilling. I’m thankful for the time I got to be a part of that project. I wish it continued success in the future.
Choosing what’s best for yourself is not selfishness.
4. Is this helping me to become a better version of myself? Do my morals, ethics, and values align?
~> I’m happy to say I am in a healthy, long-term relationship, but it hasn’t always been that way. I was extremely bad at dating in my younger years. I dated whoever showed interest in me because I was desperate for love and attention, even if it was the wrong kind. (Thanks, Dad.) I could have avoided a lot of heartbreak if I had answered these questions first. While dating is kind of about making and learning from those mistakes, how do you know when it’s time to call it quits?
I recently attempted to help a friend who was dealing with some issues in their relationship. My friend was polyamorous while their partner was not. I advised them that if this issue couldn’t be solved through communication, it was better to be done with the relationship. Needless to say, they did not take my advice (it’s okay, no one has to). Sadly, their relationship ended on extremely bad terms with a lot of hurt to both parties.
It’s important to express and see eye-to-eye on important things before and during a relationship. Whether it’s talking about wanting or not wanting kids, what religion you practice, your sexuality, politics, and many other things, you decide together what does and doesn’t matter, and where you can or should not compromise. You should never have to sacrifice your morals, ethics, or values for love. If you do, you’ll eventually find yourself full of resentment, and that is not the best version of you.
This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, either. Friendships are just as important when it comes to surrounding yourself with people who help you to become a better version of yourself. How can a flower grow in an environment without sun and water? You will water them, and your true friends will water you back. The best relationships are built on both giving and taking- remove anything that doesn’t help you grow and thrive.
Happy weeding, Navigators.